You know...I'm not usually one to write out my feelings, or even express them for that matter. I like to keep my world balled up tightly in my own messed up little mind. Give me all your problems and issues and I will help you solve them... But don't even try to pry into my chaos of an existence. I'm horrible about that. "I'm fine." It's just so easy. And for the most part, whether anyone believes me or not, everyone seems to just go with it.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. Trying to find answers. Trying to bring myself back to a semi-peaceful existence. Surprisingly, I have been doing pretty well. It's funny to me where people can find answers sometimes. And as unorthodox as some of my methods typically are, I always seem to find some perspective in the end. Not always the answer I was craving, but an answer just the same.
Life throws me curveballs all the time. And each time I come to realize it's been because I have lost myself in whatever the situation has become. It's really just a way to find me again.
So now I am single, again. With a gorgeous wedding dress that I won’t be wearing anytime soon. And an incredible engagement ring that I am contemplating getting resized so I can wear on a different finger. How crazy is that? It's weird to think that just 7 weeks ago I was (although not energetically as I should have been) planning the "wedding of my dreams". And now, I am back to anxiously talking to boys (I mean men) and going out on "first dates". Isn't life crazy?
I spent a week mad at the world. I spent a week crying every second I could. I spent a week hoping that things would go back to what they were because it just had to work out. I’ve spent a lot of different emotions. But it has all brought me back to a heightened sense of self. As corny as I think it is, the saying is true “Everything happens for a reason”. We may not like the reason, but it will find us eventually.
I finally found my reason. I think it was pretty apparent. I might have known it the whole time. I was just masking it with a fear of being alone and a sense of “love” that I desired so greatly. I took a friend and made the image of a lover that I wanted. Unfortunately for him, when he came close to meeting the image, I realized it wasn’t what I needed, so I changed the stakes. Call it keeping him on his toes…But more like keeping him at a distance. In all fairness to myself, he wasn’t playing a straight game either. He has a poker face that could kill. And I let him play with my heart way more than I should have.
Did I love him? Of course. Am I sorry that it all happened? Not a chance. He taught me a lot and for that, I am thankful.
So, now what? What’s next? Well, I have no clue. But I’m sure it will be one hell of a ride!
1 comments:
very interesting thought u have there..... i actually had a friend who was in the exact same shoes as you were in. and to add more heart-break, the break-up happened on her birthday. all wedding plans cancelled, and i think she threw her dress away. when we talked about it, the only thing she told me was screw that a**-h***........
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