A Life Less Ordinary

I mean it this time, I swear!

2010-11-20T21:41:00.004-05:00

I am going to start writing again if it KILLS ME!! lol...

And then...there was one!

2008-06-02T23:39:00.002-04:00

You know...I'm not usually one to write out my feelings, or even express them for that matter. I like to keep my world balled up tightly in my own messed up little mind. Give me all your problems and issues and I will help you solve them... But don't even try to pry into my chaos of an existence. I'm horrible about that. "I'm fine." It's just so easy. And for the most part, whether anyone believes me or not, everyone seems to just go with it.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. Trying to find answers. Trying to bring myself back to a semi-peaceful existence. Surprisingly, I have been doing pretty well. It's funny to me where people can find answers sometimes. And as unorthodox as some of my methods typically are, I always seem to find some perspective in the end. Not always the answer I was craving, but an answer just the same.

Life throws me curveballs all the time. And each time I come to realize it's been because I have lost myself in whatever the situation has become. It's really just a way to find me again.

So now I am single, again. With a gorgeous wedding dress that I won’t be wearing anytime soon. And an incredible engagement ring that I am contemplating getting resized so I can wear on a different finger. How crazy is that? It's weird to think that just 7 weeks ago I was (although not energetically as I should have been) planning the "wedding of my dreams". And now, I am back to anxiously talking to boys (I mean men) and going out on "first dates". Isn't life crazy?

I spent a week mad at the world. I spent a week crying every second I could. I spent a week hoping that things would go back to what they were because it just had to work out. I’ve spent a lot of different emotions. But it has all brought me back to a heightened sense of self. As corny as I think it is, the saying is true “Everything happens for a reason”. We may not like the reason, but it will find us eventually.

I finally found my reason. I think it was pretty apparent. I might have known it the whole time. I was just masking it with a fear of being alone and a sense of “love” that I desired so greatly. I took a friend and made the image of a lover that I wanted. Unfortunately for him, when he came close to meeting the image, I realized it wasn’t what I needed, so I changed the stakes. Call it keeping him on his toes…But more like keeping him at a distance. In all fairness to myself, he wasn’t playing a straight game either. He has a poker face that could kill. And I let him play with my heart way more than I should have.

Did I love him? Of course. Am I sorry that it all happened? Not a chance. He taught me a lot and for that, I am thankful.

So, now what? What’s next? Well, I have no clue. But I’m sure it will be one hell of a ride!

Whose up for the next roller coaster? Woo!

Life Changes...

2008-04-17T19:56:00.002-04:00

Ok, so I had made this blog all about my wedding...
But now I have to make some changes again.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But the wedding has been cancelled.

Doug and I have parted company. We are still good friends and love each other very much... But we both decided friends just works better...

That said... No more wedding blog.
What will I do with this thing now? :)

PS... In case you missed it, that means I'M SINGLE AGAIN!! WOO!

SoBe Commercial - Thriller

2008-03-01T09:17:00.001-05:00

I know it's not wedding stuff...
but this is too cute!!!

No Place That Far

2008-02-25T23:25:00.000-05:00

I cant imagine, any greater fear
Then waking up, without you here,
And though the sun, will still shine on,
My whole world, would all be gone,
But not for long,

If I had to run, if I had to crawl
If I had to swim a hundred rivers, just to climb a thousand walls,
Always know that I will find a way, to get to where you are,
Theres no place that far

It wouldnt matter why were apart,
Lonely minds or two stubborn hearts
Nothing short of God above
Could turn me away from your love
I need you that much

If I had to run, if I had to crawl
If I had to swim a hundred rivers, just to climb a thousand walls,
Always know that I will find a way, to get to where you are,
Theres no place that far

If I had to run, if I had to crawl
If I had to swim a hundred rivers, just to climb a thousand walls,
Always know that I will find a way, to get to where you are,
Theres no place that far

Baby theres no place that far

One More Day...

2008-02-25T23:23:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didnt ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe Id be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing Id do, is pray for time to crawl
Then Id unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
Id hold you every second
Say a million I love yous
Thats what Id do, with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe Id be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day

Old Fashioned Wedding...

2008-02-25T22:21:00.003-05:00

One of my favorites!! :)

First Dance Fun!

2008-02-25T22:09:00.002-05:00

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

2008-02-25T22:04:00.002-05:00

Thankfully (for him), Doug thinks before he throws
out lines like this!! lol...

**************

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so,
he comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take
a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for
a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper
and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts
larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals
through a straw. Stupid, stupid man...

Love is...

2008-02-23T13:40:00.004-05:00

Love is patient, Love is kind
It does not envy, It does not boast
It is not proud, It is not rude
It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth
Love always protects, Always trusts
Always hopes, Always perseveres
Love bears all things, Believes all things
Hopes all things, Endures all things
Love never ends
Love never fails

Vows...Vows...Everywhere...But here?

2008-02-23T13:24:00.001-05:00

I know it's wicked soon to be worrying about this, but Doug wants to write our own vows. Which floors me in the first place. He's so sweet. But yeah, I don't know what I am going to write...
I'm sure eventually it will all just come to me. But for now I'm freaking out... How do you express this feeling in words? Sometimes I don't even understand how I feel and now I am supposed to write it down and share it with everyone??? AAAHHH!!!!
I know it will be ok.. But it's been on my mind, so I thought I would throw it all out in the universe...maybe the answer will come sooner this way...

Until it does... Any thoughts are welcome...

Oh yeah, not to mention I have to pretty much come up with the verbage for the whole ceremony. We aren't having a pastor or anyone like that do it... So I have to figure out what to say...
Seriously..the pressure!! lol.. I'm going to go nutty (ier?)

The Date!

2008-02-21T04:32:00.003-05:00

So I'm really playing catch-up here....

We set a date! Doug wanted to wait a bit, just to kind of
get a little more on our feet. I was like ready yesterday
of course! So we came to a compromise!

We met (and started dating) April 28, 2007... So ideally
we wanted to get married that day in 2009... Well, yeah,
so that's a Tuesday. lol... Not a good idea.

So it's going to be.... (drum-roll please)

May 2, 2009

YAY!!!
I'm getting married!!!
hehe...
I can't wait. I love Doug more than I know what to do with!
I can't wait to watch the wedding stuff all start to come together.
And to get to stand there with him in front of everyone and start
the rest of our lives together!!!!

Changes...

2008-02-10T09:03:00.002-05:00

So I've decided to stop being lazy and do something with
this blog. I wanted to make a Wedding Website...
So why not utilize this space?

That said...this will (I'm sure slowly) transition into
all you need to know about the chaos that is my wedding day!
hehe...

MORE TO COME!! :)

"My New Parrot"

2007-11-21T19:19:00.001-05:00

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else
I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird
and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute. Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened
the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to
correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

It's coming...

2007-11-19T18:03:00.001-05:00

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

A little more about me...

2007-11-10T16:07:00.001-05:00

SUN IN LEO

Like the lion, you are a leader. You are open hearted and frank,
and rarely are you cruel in your desire to rule and lead. Pride
may be something that might get in your way. It may cause you to
present yourself as overbearing and dominating. Because of your
ambitious nature, you hate being held down by details, but prefer
doing things in a large and flamboyant manner. You are a
person of great affection and strive to bring happiness to your
loved ones. As a result of your active mind, and warm disposition,
many people look up to you and admire your independence and
ambitiousness. You are quick to anger, but equally quick to forgive.

MOON IN ARIES

Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac. If this is your Moon Sign your
personality is likely to be spontaneous and excitable. You are
also militantly hostile in your expression of anger. You may be
prone to periods of ire and irritation. You are very self-reliant.
You want to have everything your way, and refuse to be pushed around by
anyone. You are self-disciplined, and refuse to have others impose
discipline on you. People either like you or hate you because of your
impulsive behavior. You like taking charge, and will likely end up in
a position of authority in your career. You are a natural leader.
You set the pace and terms for yourself, and will choose your own vocation
(regardless of advice from friends and relatives). The relationship between
you and your parents may be difficult. There is a lack of both sympathy,
and communication there. Your actions are considered to be impulsive and
unexpected by others who are watching you. The Moon in Aries is a good sign
if you enjoy original plans, adventures, independence and military life.
You may be attracted to the study of the occult, or mysticism. You like
to keep secrets, and that drives some of your friends crazy!

ICE - An Interesting Idea...

2007-10-29T19:25:00.001-04:00

I received this email at work the other day,
and it makes a good point... So, I thought I
would pass it along! :)

We all carry our mobile phones with names &
numbers stored in its memory but nobody,
other than ourselves, knows which of these numbers
belong to our closest family or friends. If we were
to be involved in an accident or were taken ill, the
people attending us would have our mobile phone but
wouldn't know who to call. Yes, there are hundreds of
numbers stored but which one is the contact person in
case of an emergency? Hence this 'ICE'
(In Case of Emergency) Campaign. The concept of 'ICE'
is catching on quickly. It is a method of contact during
emergency situations. As cell phones are carried by
the majority of the population, all you need to do is
store the number of a contact person or persons who
should be contacted during emergency under the name 'ICE'
(In Case Of Emergency). The idea was thought up by a
paramedic who found that when he went to the scenes of
accidents, there were always mobile phones with patients,
but they didn't know which number to call. He therefore
thought that it would be a good idea if there was a
nationally recognized name for this purpose. In an
emergency situation, Emergency Service personnel and
hospital Staff would be able to quickly contact the right
person by simply dialing the number you have stored as
'ICE.' For more than one contact name simply enter
ICE1, ICE2 and ICE3 etc. A great idea that will make a
difference! Let's spread the concept of ICE by storing an
ICE number in our Mobile phones today! Please forward this.
It won't take too many 'forwards' before everybody will
know about this It really could save your life, or put
a loved one's mind at rest.
ICE will speak for you when you are not able to.

Because Every Woman Needs A Pick-Me-Up!

2007-10-29T18:58:00.001-04:00

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?"
I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet,
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied,
"but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing
I could do to him legally."

********************************

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can
take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your
upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider!

********************************

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road
for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to
an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As
they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

********************************

WORDS

A husband read an article to his
wife about how many words women use
a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to
be because we have to repeat everything
to men...

The husband then turned to his wife
and asked, "What?"

********************************

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having
an argument about who should brew
the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do
it because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as
long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in
charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is
your job, and I can just wait for
my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do
it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that,
show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened
the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that
it indeed says "HEBREWS"…

********************************

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some
problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM"
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a
piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

A Little Captain Anyone?

2007-10-24T04:56:00.001-04:00

Disclaimer... I don't agree with driving drunk AT ALL!
But this is humorous, and sadly I can pick a handful
of dorks in my past that would probably come up with
something similar...lol

Only a person in Florida could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport,
comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol
parked outside a bar in punta gorda, Florida after last call
the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently
intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles,
the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there
for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
--it was a fine, dry summer night--
flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked
the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of
the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the
only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove
slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time,
now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and administered a
breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any
alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the sheriff's office. This breathalyzer
equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud non-drinker.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

With Love, Your Banker :)

2007-10-21T14:25:00.001-04:00

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see
from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,
he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)


(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.
 His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously!
Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Another Mastercard Commercial?

2007-10-21T14:18:00.001-04:00

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing,
at the right time.........Priceless

Duck Duck OUCH!

2007-10-21T14:14:00.001-04:00

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end and sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

Afterall, it is Sunday. :)

2007-10-21T13:28:00.001-04:00

Peace starts with a smile.

<>< <>< <>< <><

I don't know why some people
change churches;
what difference does it make
which one you stay home from?!

<>< <>< <>< <><

Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.

<>< <>< <>< <><

Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.

<>< <>< <>< <><

The Will of God never takes you
to where the Grace of God
will not protect you.

<>< <>< <>< <><

Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.

Lizards

2007-10-20T09:41:00.001-04:00

Just after dinner one night,
my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the
two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face
and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed
lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed.
"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we
said we didn't want them to reproduce,"
I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do,
post a sign in their cage?" she inquired
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth)

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had
gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going
to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?"
my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient.
After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared,
giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining
room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"
I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species,
they um . . . um . . masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited,"
my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that
we understood.

More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing,
but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming
affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just. . that . . . I'm picturing you
pulling on its . . . its . . . teenylittle . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizard and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did,
Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

Never Argue with a Woman

2007-10-20T09:35:00.001-04:00

One morning the husband returns
after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies,
(thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you,"
says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Moral of the story....Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think!

Here's Your Sign

2007-10-20T09:29:00.002-04:00

I love my job...
Working with the public
always seems to give
opportunity for crazy funny moments!

One day two customers were sitting
chatting at my desk.
They were talking about check orders.
The one customer looked over at the other and said:
"You don't want duplicate checks?
I always have to get duplicate checks.
You never know when you won't have a pen
to write down what you wrote out the check for!"

OMG! I almost couldn't stand it. But I sat
there with a smile on my face like nothing
had happened!! I love customers!

The Bathtub Test

2007-10-20T09:17:00.001-04:00

During a visit to the mental hospital,
a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or
not a patient should be admitted.

"Well," said the Director,
"we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient
and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director,
"A normal person would pull the plug.
Would you like a bed near the window?"

Condoms at 80!?

2007-10-20T09:12:00.001-04:00

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home,
having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into
the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist
that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed,
looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel".

The pharmacist fainted.

Forget Teamwork and Tranquility...

2007-10-17T13:44:00.001-04:00

These are way more funny!!!

Melvin

2007-10-15T19:02:00.002-04:00

My Little Man... ♥

Happy Monday!

2007-10-15T18:57:00.001-04:00

Politics Anyone?

2007-10-15T18:52:00.001-04:00

While I really don't follow much when it comes to politics,
this seems to make a pretty good point!! lol...

An Even Longer Time Ago...

2007-10-13T23:00:00.000-04:00

the scars on my arms
remind me everyday
no matter how hard i try
it will never go away
unanswered prayers
and tons of broken dreams
this battle to live
is harder than it seems
fake smiles and laughs
from the girl next door
no one sees the day end
with her crying on the floor
what a life you have
so much going for you
but inside theres so much pain
if only people knew
not long ago
i felt nothing at all
no emotions no pain
just like a brick wall
hoping to feel
those emotions again
not knowing what i was wishing for
what pain id let in
now fighting each and every day
harder and harder i try
praying the good will just keep up with the bad
such a struggle to even stay alive
remembering the days when i was numb
back when all i wanted was to feel
unaware of what was to come
not knowing of the wounds that wouldn't heal

From A Long, Long Time Ago...

2007-10-13T21:00:00.000-04:00

I loved her
But love isn't everything
I'd hate her
But that wouldn't solve a thing
I've missed her
But only the memories
I left her
But it's still hard to walk away

~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~

The past is the past
I've chosen this path
And I'm happy with the decisions I've made
I walked away from that life
And I let go of the fight
And I thank her for who I became

Abominations!

2007-10-13T13:32:00.001-04:00

So in my wondering about myspace (or as Jeff puts it, stalking) I found this little diddy... I think it's something worth reading.
While I do believe in God (I know some of you might be surprised by that), I think this goes to show you, that religion is all about interpretation ...So, no I don't go to church, because I want God to tell me how to believe in him, not someone who is putting his own spin on things.
Anyway...enjoy...and laugh a little...it's funny! :)

On her radio show recently, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.

The Flight Attendant

2007-10-13T13:24:00.002-04:00

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us
food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that
he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if
you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I
asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat
us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said,
"In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders
from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen,
so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Welcome To My Blog!

2007-10-13T12:45:00.001-04:00

Alright, alright...I finally gave in!
I have entered the world of online blogging.
You people must be as crazy as I am to want to read about the insane stuff I go through!! haha...

Well, this will be my disclaimer if you will....
Since I am pretty much one of the most open people around, I am going to lay it all out on here. Whatever I am feeling or thinking or dealing with, it might just end up on this blog. So watch out! Not everyone will appreciate everything I have to offer. And I am cool with that.
Comments are awesome, and I will accept them both positive and negative.

So, enjoy the craziness that is my life...